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My Worst Date Ever by Jonathan Gould

Thanks Pav for having me here, especially on Valentine’s day. Seems entirely appropriate for me to be talking about my worst date ever. Now there’s a tricky topic. So many dates, and so many of them have been terrible. How do I possibly select the one that stands out?

How about June the 19th. That’s a date that has always struck me as being pretty lousy. When I was seven, I broke my arm on that date. Then, three years later, on the same date, I twisted my ankle playing soccer. And if this wasn’t bad enough, there was the time I had to give a PowerPoint presentation at work and only discovered afterwards that all the slides I’d shown were from the family summer holiday. Yep you guessed it – that was also on June the 19th.

Another date which I’ve always had a lot of trouble with is October 27th. Here is a list of all the bad stuff that has happened on that day:

  1. The cat ate my assignment, two days before it was due to be submitted
  2. My little sister scribbled all over the painting I’d been working on for weeks
  3. The cat ate my assignment the day before it was due to be submitted
  4. My favorite TV show – Batman – was cancelled and replaced with Josie and the Pussycats
  5. The cat ate my assignment on the morning of the day it was due to be submitted
  6. My not-so-little sister decided my favorite CD was a Frisbee and hurled it over the fence into the yard of the neighbor we “didn’t talk to”
  7. The dog ate my assignment
  8. My hard disc crashed and I lost five chapters of a work in progress

So as you can see, October the 27th is also a pretty horrid date as far as I’m concerned.

I’d also have to mention November the 8th. I can’t think of anything particularly bad that happened that day. But it always seems to be the sort of day when the sky is gloomy and you wake up grumpy and nothing particularly good ever happens.

And I certainly can’t forget about February the 29th. Honestly, what a ridiculous date. Fancy only coming around every four years. Come to think of it, all of February is a bit dodgy in my book. How come we never even say it properly? It’s spelt Feb-roo-ary, but nobody says it like that. Instead we say Feb-yew-ary, or sometimes just Feb-ury. Seems like there’s nothing good about a month if we can’t even say it right.

But if I had to pick the very worst, absolutely direst, most utterly crappy date of all time, I’d definitely have to say July 16th. And do you want to know why? Because nothing bad has ever happened to me on that day. Nothing at all. Which makes me highly suspicious. I think it’s saving itself. Its waiting till I’ve let my guard down, and then it’s going to let me have it. I know it may sound a tad on the paranoid side, but you just watch. Someday, I’ll be able to prove it to you.

So there you have it – my worst date ever. I know I probably surprised you a bit. Especially given its Valentine’s Day, you probably thought I’d be talking about a different kind of date. Well I have to say that on the whole I have no issue with the fruit of the date palm tree. I’m especially fond of sticky date pudding.

So, on this Valentine’s Day, why not enjoy a good sticky date with someone special.

And all the best to you.

Jonathan Gould

About the author

Jonathan Gould is a Melbourne-based writer and doodler.

When he’s not obsessing over the terrible things had have happened to him on the various dates of the year, he writes stories which he refers to as “dag-lit” because they’re the sort of stories that don’t easily fit into the standard genres. Some might think of them as comic fantasies, or modern fairytales for the young and the young-at-heart.

Over the years, his writing has been compared to Douglas Adams, Monty Python, A.A. Milne, Lewis Carroll, the Goons, Dr Seuss and even Enid Blyton (in a good way).

You can find him, looking nervously at a calendar, at:

Doodling available from:

Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004KSQVCO

Barnes and Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/doodling-jonathan-gould/1100144250

 

Flidderbugs available from:

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005K7HKS8/

Amazon UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B005K7HKS8/

Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/85538