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10 Things NOT to say to the parent of a child on the spectrum
In my day to day life, generally I don’t mind people. My issues usually stem more from my own litany of social anxieties and self-doubt, but people themselves, I’m generally pretty cool with. I like to think that the average person isn’t a douche and that they really really mean well when they offer uninvited advice. I also really enjoy getting to know people online and in cabs and bars. My friends will tell you I make friends everywhere I go, and the reason is I talk to everyone.
There are a few things that really set me off: a lack of basic respect and overly aggressive behavior. Thankfully, I don’t surround myself with those people and have been lucky to not encounter many outside of the ill conceived trip to Wal*Mart.
There are some behaviors that set my teeth on edge and it’s occurred to me that perhaps it’s because folks just don’t know better. When you first meet my Ninja, you wouldn’t know there’s any reason for me to treat her differently from any other kid her age or that she sees a therapist regularly. It took her teacher until the 3rd quarter of the school year to really understand the depth of her issues. So as a public service to all the well-meaning people out there and for all the other parents who just want to start punching people in the face here is my top 10 list of things NOT to say to parents with kids on the spectrum.
10 – But she doesn’t look autistic.
And you don’t look like a dumbass, but clearly you are.
9 – You know my cousin/niece/neighbor has a kid with autism and she can’t even talk, you are so lucky.
Yes, yes I am lucky. But please don’t assume that just because my hardest day isn’t their hardest day it’s not still hard.
8 – Do you think she might just have ADD?
I just told you what she has. I just told you what the drs and therapists and neurologists and social workers all say. Unilaterally. No, I don’t think she has ADD. And for the record, there’s nothing “just” about having ADD.
7 – She’s no more difficult than any other kid her age. You know they all have something.
They all have personalities. They do NOT all have social and neurological conditions which cause them to see and interact with the world differently from the majority of human beings. They do NOT have to deal with not understanding the rules of the social world they live in. They are neuro-typical children. They are difficult and wonderful and unique. You aren’t making me feel better by diminishing just how much harder this is.
6 – Don’t be so hard on her
Did our therapist call you instead of me by mistake to discuss how to handle her behavior issues? No? Ok, then shut the fuck up.
5 – But she’s so sweet!
Come here, I’d like to punch you in the face. Just once. Can I do that? Then I won’t be sweet and maybe you’ll think I have autism because clearly a child can’t be both wonderful and be on the spectrum.
4 – Doesn’t the school take care of that (her therapy/testing)?
hahahahahahahaha
3 – She’d be fine in public school.
Maybe, if public school had 13 kids in the class room and individualized teaching plans (that are actually followed). The public schools laughed at me and told me my autistic 5 year old wasn’t entitled to testing because I was an overbearing parent. The public schools have 30-35 kids in the class room. The public schools are trying to keep the neuro-typical kids on track. There is no time or money or resources for my kid there. Maybe if I didn’t live in PG County. Maybe if there was a magnet school I could get her into. But that’s not possible here, so it’s private school. And no, the public schools don’t help pay for it.
2 – She’ll be fine when she grows up.
How’s that crystal ball doing? Working out ok? Did you win the lottery last week? No? Then shut up. You can tell me all the ways she’s awesome and amazing and how you think those things will help her as an adult. I believe those things too. But in reality none of us have any idea what the next trigger or reaction will be. You don’t and I don’t. All parents worry about their kids and I do think she’ll be fine when she’s older but I don’t get to just sit back and hope that’s true. I have to give her all the skills so that she CAN be fine when she grows up. And that takes a lot of work. You might not mean it this way, but your comment makes it sound like I just have to sit back and wait it out and that’s not the case.
1 – Maybe I can help.
Nope, you can’t. Stop it. Don’t get in the middle of my parenting. Just because she’s screaming for an avocado and you think “what’s the harm in giving the poor kid an avocado” doesn’t mean you should interrupt me trying my hardest to calmly explain the situation to the furious child in the middle of the grocery store in order to hand her an avocado! You have no idea how many avocados I have bought over the last 9 years or why I’m not buying one right now. You have no idea what my reasoning is or if perhaps – gasp – I’m not just being mean, I’m actually trying really really hard to help her learn something very difficult. (you can replace avocado for rock, sticker, lint, baseball, iguana, etc.)
I applaud your honesty here!! I’m sad that your school didn’t offer you more assistance, because they definitely should have, but it never ceases to amaze me that people think they know what you should do instead. I mean, as a special ed teacher, I’m always happy to offer suggests, but every autistic kid is different in the same way that every typically developing kid is different. Go you for standing up for yourself and your child!!
Thanks honey. It is sad things didn’t go better with the school, but the reality was their lack of response to her situation was definitely neglect and possibly abuse. We had to pull her. There was no other option. I love talking to people and brainstorming and sometimes folks who don’t know autism from australia can offer insights I don’t have because I’m too close, but it’s the people who assume they know better that drive me crazy. You don’t live here. You don’t know.
I love you! You are a very good Momma Bear!
Mommy! Hi! I didn’t know you read my blog
Oh and I am totally shocked that my text editor added words like fuck and douche to my post. What kind of computer is this??
Love you
I find myself saying “He’ll be fine when he grows up” about my Iz — but who knows? He’s not on the spectrum (though it has been mentioned and dismissed frequently), but, so far, he has anxiety disorder, LD issues having to do with language recall on demand, ADHD, sensory issues, and he is certainly not the most mature 8-year-old (his 5-year-old brother meets him, if not exceeds him, at maturity). I am sure I am leaving something out because I lose track now that the list is so long. I would add “but he/she is so bright/smart” to your list–sometimes true (and I say it, too), but so, there is still so much to go through. It is hard.
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Great post. Sometimes I wish I had a bracelet or a sign or freaking tattoo on me signaling my son is on the spectrum. I have gotten many of the same responses you have. I think the one that peeves me off the most is “My nephew/granddaughter/neighbor’s kid has autism and they do magic tea therapy and it really has helped”. I am glad. I really am. I wish all ASD kids had therapys that worked so well. Oh and the women who say to me “even when my little snookie poo is at their worst I just know you have it so much harder with J”. Gee, thanks..I love hanging out with you guys too.
I am sorry your school is not more helpful. My saving grace it the wonderful team my son has at his school. He IS in a small class – 15 kids and there are 4 trained adults in there. His OT and PT are awesome and while I think his IEP could be a bit more comprehensive, I understand that based on the behaviours he displayed when he was there they can only go off of and work with that.